My Constant Companion: Tinnitus #thinkkit

in response to today's ThinkKit.org prompt: Do you hear what I hear? Tell us about a sound. What do you hear in your house or at work?

I remember the first time my ears rang. I was 15 or 16 and had just finished my first band practice. I lay in bed and listened to my ears ring that night. It was something of a novelty and I didn’t think much of it. As I got older, and played more live music at high volume, I got to know that ring even better. It usually showed up around bedtime and was gone in the morning. Or at least I didn’t notice it in the morning. But in the last few years the ring hasn’t gone away in the morning. It’s always there, sometimes quiet in the background and sometimes impossible to ignore. Although I do still play live music and go to concerts I almost always wear hearing protection. Even a loud voice can set it off now. Sudden noises are the worst. I can be easily startled by a sharp, loud noise. It definitely has an impact on my nerves and stress. It can make it hard to be in public sometimes, especially at night, since crowded, loud places can be very hard on my ears. 

This condition is called tinnitus. I assumed it was caused by years of playing and listening to music. Which probably has something to do with it. But the weird thing about tinnitus is that no-one really understands how it works. Recent studies have even suggested that the sound doesn’t originate in the ear but in the brain. I’ve done a ton of research on it and experimented with different supplements and diets. Some days the ringing dims, so I know this is fixable. I need to get to the source and begin controlling my diet and environment towards a future where I don’t live with that constant ring in my ears. The most I could move the needle was when I quit caffeine/coffee for a week. I’m back to a cup in the morning and when I cheat and have some in the afternoon I can generally expect increased ringing that night. 

Pretty much all of us live with some constant companion in our lives. It might not be in our ears, it could be a knee that hurts, or emotional or physical abuse that lingers. There really isn’t any human being walking this earth that doesn’t carry with them some kind of companion like my ringing ears. Although these companions can be burdens they can also be teachers. Teaching us to listen to our bodies, know our minds and begin owning our existence. My ringing ears keep me in check. They let me know when I get too out of whack and veer towards unhealthy activities. So I try to be grateful for the ringing, it is a reminder that I must actively care for myself. ut I still plan to show tinnitus the door as soon as possible. 

Sweat and Sound #thinkkit

This post is part of the SmallBox Think Kit project. An annual month long (January) blogging event where people from all over the world reflect on the past year and the one to come. Get a prompt every day and blog as much or little as you want. Learn more and sign up at thinkkit.org

In response to the 1/3/15 prompt: "No screens, no technology – what did you do with your hands this year?"

This past summer I took off the month of July to see what would happen. I wanted to rediscover my natural state of being. What would I do with my time when I didn't have a calendar or business to answer to? It turns out I tend to gravitate towards mechanical, manual, analog activities. 

I spent a week working on my house. The hard work, and sweat, felt cleansing. I ended long days feeling tired and ready for sleep but not drained. While my body did the "work" my mind was free to wander. Ideas appeared, connections were made. Sometimes clarity arrived. I felt strong, mentally and physically. 

I also spent a week alone in a cabin in northern Michigan. Well, actually two cabins. My intention was to use this time to work on a book. But I kept being drawn to my guitar. By the end of the first day I'd written and recorded three songs. Another three came the next day. I felt guilty for not getting much done on the book. But I couldn't stop the songs.

Songwriting and recording used to be a huge part of my life. But between family and business, the last 10 years haven't had much space for it. And it needs space. Wide open solitary space. At least for me. I need to be alone and know that I won't be disturbed. It's a pretty vulnerable experience to write and record music. Especially if you are using your voice. I don't have a great singing voice so it's particularly challenging for me to get into that safe space. I love my life but it doesn't have many solitary spaces. People are always around. 

Back in the cabin, around day 3, I gave up and accepted that the project I was there to complete was an album not a book. Over the course of that week I wrote and recorded 16 songs. They formed something of a song cycle. I was processing new ideas from Alan Watts lectures I was listening to during that week- Alan was my only companion, so to speak. I was working through my relationship with my dad, my wife, my kids and, most of all, my "self". I shared the recordings with a few friends when I returned. They are pretty primitive since I didn't have much more than a guitar with me. I plan to re-record them this year. I decided to post them online despite my hesitancy in sharing something as personal as this. Maybe other people might find meaning or beauty in them. I certainly have. It was like having a much needed conversation with my self. One that continues. 

I end this year knowing a little more about what brings me joy and happiness. It's working with my hands and creating things. It's long conversations with fascinating people. I find great joy in seeing others do what they love, to stand on the side of the stage and see them shine. To know I had a hand in helping them do what they love. But I also enjoy building the stage, setting up the sound system and getting everything just right. I love manual, mechanical work. Work that I can see with my eyes and touch with my hands. Laying a physical foundation for something new is what I love the most. The more virtual something is, the harder it is for me to care. I need to feel to feel. 

Belief Blinders and Gap Fillers

Our brains excel at filling gaps. When we look at something our brains make meaning of the inputs. Sorting them into categories (sizes, shapes, colors, names), searching for movement. 

Belief does the same thing with knowledge. It fills the gaps. Finding connections to fill in the gaps. We use beliefs to make sense of the world. 

We all operate every day on a core set of beliefs. For instance: I believe that when I cross the street that cars will not run me over. Of course there are plenty of examples of people getting run over by cars. But my belief is based on my knowledge and experience. And it lets me navigate the world. 

So beliefs build frameworks for understanding the world. But they also blind us. We struggle to truly “see” as our belief frameworks take over. Confirmation bias can literally change what we see, feel and experience. What was needed for our evolution and survival has become one of our biggest obstacles to growth. We can't see beyond our beliefs. 

Have you ever had that moment when you opened your eyes and couldn’t categorize something you saw. Where, just for a second, you saw color and shapes not objects and meaning? It is very hard to see the world that way, even briefly. At a time in our history when belief is posing an existential threat, from ISIS to Trump, we need to find ways to remove our belief blinders. To see life for what it is and not for what we want it to be. 

Do You See Yourself as Broken or Out Of Tune?

Do you see yourself as broken or just needing tuning? I think how we see ourselves is often how we see others. If we see ourselves as broken then we begin to seek fixes. If we believe we have found a superior “fix” then it’s only natural to strongly encourage others to subscribe to that solution. Unfortunately this often manifests in unhealthy ways. Personal conviction transformed into imposition on others. What we have come to call “religious extremism”. 

I was raised in a belief system that looked at humanity as fallen. A broken vessel that could only be restored with external help. Seeing yourself as broken has lots of ramifications. It pits you against happiness and against yourself. After all, Humpty Dumpty wasn’t a happy guy post fall. 

But to see ourselves not as broken but simply out of tune is a very different thing. We then see the potential in each other and ourselves. We can then enter a rhythm of daily tuning. We don’t need saving, we need tuning. We no longer see our selves as the enemy, something to work around. We are part of the solution. 

In coming to see myself as an instrument that needs tuning I have started shedding the “broken” mindset. Where I once saw “sin” I now see dissonance. When I am being selfish I now perceive it as soloing when it isn’t my turn. When it doesn’t serve the “song”. In general, I am increasingly looking at life, work and love through the lens of music. Specifically, the experience of creating music. 

Consider an orchestra, or a rock band. To make beautiful music together they must first all be in tune. Then they must play together as one. If one person is out of tune or puts themselves in front of the song then everything falls apart. Of course, there are times that the song is served by a solo, by individual performances. But that individual performance should always be to serve the song not the performer’s ego. 

This is very similar to what must happen in a marriage, a family, a community or a workplace. The individual must subjugate their wants and needs to achieve the communal good. To do this we must first be in tune. 

I Make It Ok

I was reflecting recently on how we all give each other permission. Every day my actions and words, present or absent, give permission. I make it ok...

to be cruel, to lie, to love, to laugh, to drink, to mock, to help.

Humans are tribal creatures. We mimic each other. One person's behavior makes it ok for someone else to do the same.

Whether we like it or not, our behavior is greatly driven by those who surround us. This is rarely a conscious thing. We just follow along.

One study found that if you had a friend quit smoking it increased your likelihood of quitting by 36%. 

So If you want to change your life, change your friends. 

I love this "In A Nutshell" video that argues convincingly that addiction is more about "the cage than the chemicals". Although there is no denying chemical addiction, it's clear that there is more at play. The people we surround ourselves with may be the biggest determining factor in our overall happiness and longevity.

So what's a person to do? Are we all each other's "keeper"? In essence, yes, but I think we also have to balance that with the reality that there is no perfect path. Can we look at our life and see it as an overall positive contribution? Is the example we are setting for others building them up or tearing them down? Are we making it ok for others to forgive, to love, to grow, to be kind?