The Ego Tree

What to do with the ego? We all have one. The ego is always at play, driving our behavior. Making sure others know how awesome we are. Often the ego shows up as the “I”, the “self". “I did this great thing!”, “I don’t like you anymore” or “I need to take care of myself”.  

At its best the ego protects us and gives us the confidence to keep moving forward. The ego keeps up alive, sometimes literally. On the negative side, the ego doesn’t really care about others. It’s job is to serve and protect. Anything that threatens the ego is subject to some kind of attack- passive or aggressive. 

Raised in a Christian home I was taught to think of others first. To be a servant. Thinking of yourself before others was, basically, sinful. Although aspects of that teaching still resonate with me post-Christianity I have also come to see the ego in a different light. My recent exploration of Buddhism has revealed a new way to consider the ego- as something that deserves respect if not domination. 

When I feel my “ego” rising up to make sure “Jeb” is getting the needed acknowledge my initial reaction is to feel a low level of disgust. Not dissimilar to the feeling you get after scratching poison ivy. The initial endorphin surge is replaced by the knowledge that the poison is only spreading. Same with the ego, it never seems to be satisfied, always wanting more. 

So what is one to do? It’s not like we can just get cut the ego out of our lives. It's there for a reason. Also, the Christian ideal of “dying to oneself” seems increasingly foreign to me as I further explore what it means to be a “self”. Now I am seeking the acceptance of the self- and all its dimensions. Instead of trying to kill off the ego, what if we got to know it better? See what it needs to be healthy? After all, the ego isn't really poison ivy, it's just feels like that sometimes. 

I've come to think of the ego as a tree. It needs to be fed- water, light, air, etc- but it also needs to be trimmed and pruned. A healthy ego is not weak nor on steroids. It has its place and its space. It leaves room for others. It plays a role but isn’t the only tree in the forest, if you will. Instead of trying to cut it down maybe we should care for it as a living thing that has its own needs?

But who is it, exactly, that can feed and trim the ego tree? Perhaps it's the universal “Self”. The Self that runs through all of existence, playing hide and seek between conflict and peace, light and dark, on and off. I don’t know. But I’m ok with that for now.  

How Much Should I Share?

Earlier this year I did a pretty narcissistic thing. I ordered one of those Facebook “books” that compiles all of your activity from a set period of time, I chose 2014, and then prints it as a book. Turns out I generated over 300 pages of content in 2014 just from my Facebook and Instagram activity. Yikes! Well, ok, a good chunk of the “content” was actually comments from my friends on different things I had posted. Hey friends, guess what, you’re published authors now! Congrats! 

It was pretty fascinating to look at my life/self/world through that window. Print has its place. There is a “realness” to physical objects that digital just can’t compete with — at least not quite yet. But it also made me a gag a little. “Does the world really need this much 'Jeb'?” I thought. My conclusion — probably not. 

Recently I took off the month of July — from work, email, calendars and, yes, Facebook and its ilk. I deleted all the apps on my phone and began to separate from the “grid”. At the end of this month I found myself more relaxed, calmer and happier. I started to lose that habit of checking my phone all the time — email, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, back to email, text, etc. My phone and all its tagalongs slowly became less and less a part of my being. It was awesome. I felt more alive.

When I returned to work I re-entered the world of email out of necessity but have kept social media at an arms length. I’m at something of a crossroads right now. What and how much should I share? Why am I sharing? Which conversations are best had in-person, which ones online?

I have struggled with how exactly to put my toe back in the social media waters. I don't want to come across as "judgey" or stingy to people in my life that I truly care about but I also don't want to accept an inferior experience as the experience. This is one of the problems with digital experiences. You don't have a lot to work with. Just imagine me here, right now, moving my hands around and leaning forward as you read this. Hard to do, right? Digital communication fundamental sucks. At least at this point. It strips out 90% (made up stat) of what is actually being communicated. Body language, energy, tone, pheromones, etc. Calling it "communication" is being generous. It's more like a black and white print of a Van Gogh. Nothing you would want to frame. 

Ever have that experience where you see a friend after a while and you start catching up but pretty soon you realize there isn’t much to catch up on? You have both been following each other online and already know the stories. For me, this has been a common experience over the last few years. It deflates the moment we are sharing. I love hearing a friend tell me a story. I love hearing it straight from them for the first time. It’s a core human thing — to sit with someone and tell stories. But we are all telling our stories to everyone, all the time. This isn't what sharing should be. It should be person to person, everyone fully present.

So for now, I’m being very selective about what I share. I have increasingly come to see online/digital/social sharing as diluting. Beauty, happiness, fun, sadness, pain. They are all basic human experiences. Sharing them doesn’t make them more real. In my experience sharing often makes things feel less real, turns moments into performances. Sharing is certainly part of being human, but a part does not make one whole.  If we rewire ourselves to have sharing as a default what will we be sacrificing in the process? Will our own voice grow more faint as the outside voices crowd in? 

Who knows where this will all go — the massive experiment we are engaged in, sharing our lives at a depth and rate like never before. There are good things about this – increased visibility and understanding into how people live – but there must be balance. We must honor our humanity above all else. 

In Defense of "Christian" Rock

Sufjan Steven’s new album “Carrie & Lowell” has sparked a good deal of discussion about whether it qualifies as “Christian" Rock.  In some of these essays there is an assumption that any music being categorized as such would be tarnished. 

Meanwhile over in Hip Hop land we have the new Kendrick Lemar record “To Pimp A Butterfly”. Lamar has been pretty outspoken about his Christianity. 

Both records catalog an artist struggling with belief. Both albums have profanity. Both albums are great. But just because the artists profess to be Christian does that make their music “Christian" Rock or Hip Hop? 

Let’s face it, contemporary "Christian" music has a bad rep for a good reason. It’s kinda amazing how bad most of it is. Listening to modern Christian radio is torturous, at least for me (not that I try it that often these days). It’s like every artist took the sound of an existing secular artist, made it worse then added something about Jesus. It just doesn’t work. 

But it didn’t used to be this way. Christian Rock used to be a lot weirder and better than it is now. Since I grew up listening to Christian (or Xian) Rock, I thought I might put the spotlight on a few of the better artists from the 70s and 80s. Back then Christian Rock was often as interesting as its secular counterpart. Here are some artists to check out. 

Larry Norman
Larry was the granddaddy of Xian Rock. His 1972 album “Only Visiting The Planet” remains one of my favorite records. He was something of the “Dylan” of Xian Rock, until Dylan took that position for a few years at the end of the 70s. He jumps from symphonic ballads to hard rockers like this track below. “6 O’Clock News”. 

Larry Norman - 6 - I Am The Six O'Clock News - Only Visiting This Planet (1972)

Daniel Amos
Possibly the weirdest Xian Rock band ever. An Southern California band that started in the mid-70s doing concept country rock (seriously, check out Shotgun Angel) and then turning into a great new wave then synth pop then rock band. Led by the talented Terry Scott Taylor, Daniel Amos (or DA as they are known) put out an amazing 4 album “Alarma!” series in the early 1980s. Each album was distinct from the other but tied together something of a Pilgrim’s Progress narrative. I still return to these albums regularly. Particularly the third one, Vox Humana, which had this track "William Blake" below. I sometimes find their records filled under the “A” section at record stores. I try to help and move them to “D”. There is no-one in the band named Daniel Amos. 

Vox Humana by Daniel Amos, released 1984. Vox Humana was the 3rd chapter of a four part series of albums by DA entitled The ¡Alarma! Chronicles, which also included the albums ¡Alarma!, Doppelgänger, and Fearful Symmetry. Vox Humana was a much brighter album than its predecessor, Doppelgänger, and included catchy, synthesizer-driven pop songs with lyrics about technology's role in American culture.

The 77s (or Seventy Sevens)
The 77s were another California band and probably my favorite Xian Rock band all around. Their lead singer Mike Roe has one of the most versatile voices I’ve heard- he reminds me of Elvis a little in terms of stylistic range (don’t let that scare you away). The musicianship and songwriting is all very strong as well. At one point they were signed to Island and put out a great self-titled record in the late 80s. Unfortunately for them, Island had a hit on their hands with U2 and neglected promoting the record. It’s a shame since it still stands up as a great album. This song is from that album.

Want more? Sure thing! I put together a Spotify playlist "Gimme Christian Rock" with some more songs by these artists and other notable Xian Rock artists from the 70s and 80s. If you have any you'd recommend I check out, post a comment and let me know! Thanks, Jeb

ps- curious to know my thoughts on Christianity and all that stuff? Read my post-  
"(re)Building My Religion"