Belief Blinders and Gap Fillers

Our brains excel at filling gaps. When we look at something our brains make meaning of the inputs. Sorting them into categories (sizes, shapes, colors, names), searching for movement. 

Belief does the same thing with knowledge. It fills the gaps. Finding connections to fill in the gaps. We use beliefs to make sense of the world. 

We all operate every day on a core set of beliefs. For instance: I believe that when I cross the street that cars will not run me over. Of course there are plenty of examples of people getting run over by cars. But my belief is based on my knowledge and experience. And it lets me navigate the world. 

So beliefs build frameworks for understanding the world. But they also blind us. We struggle to truly “see” as our belief frameworks take over. Confirmation bias can literally change what we see, feel and experience. What was needed for our evolution and survival has become one of our biggest obstacles to growth. We can't see beyond our beliefs. 

Have you ever had that moment when you opened your eyes and couldn’t categorize something you saw. Where, just for a second, you saw color and shapes not objects and meaning? It is very hard to see the world that way, even briefly. At a time in our history when belief is posing an existential threat, from ISIS to Trump, we need to find ways to remove our belief blinders. To see life for what it is and not for what we want it to be. 

Do You See Yourself as Broken or Out Of Tune?

Do you see yourself as broken or just needing tuning? I think how we see ourselves is often how we see others. If we see ourselves as broken then we begin to seek fixes. If we believe we have found a superior “fix” then it’s only natural to strongly encourage others to subscribe to that solution. Unfortunately this often manifests in unhealthy ways. Personal conviction transformed into imposition on others. What we have come to call “religious extremism”. 

I was raised in a belief system that looked at humanity as fallen. A broken vessel that could only be restored with external help. Seeing yourself as broken has lots of ramifications. It pits you against happiness and against yourself. After all, Humpty Dumpty wasn’t a happy guy post fall. 

But to see ourselves not as broken but simply out of tune is a very different thing. We then see the potential in each other and ourselves. We can then enter a rhythm of daily tuning. We don’t need saving, we need tuning. We no longer see our selves as the enemy, something to work around. We are part of the solution. 

In coming to see myself as an instrument that needs tuning I have started shedding the “broken” mindset. Where I once saw “sin” I now see dissonance. When I am being selfish I now perceive it as soloing when it isn’t my turn. When it doesn’t serve the “song”. In general, I am increasingly looking at life, work and love through the lens of music. Specifically, the experience of creating music. 

Consider an orchestra, or a rock band. To make beautiful music together they must first all be in tune. Then they must play together as one. If one person is out of tune or puts themselves in front of the song then everything falls apart. Of course, there are times that the song is served by a solo, by individual performances. But that individual performance should always be to serve the song not the performer’s ego. 

This is very similar to what must happen in a marriage, a family, a community or a workplace. The individual must subjugate their wants and needs to achieve the communal good. To do this we must first be in tune. 

The Ego Tree

What to do with the ego? We all have one. The ego is always at play, driving our behavior. Making sure others know how awesome we are. Often the ego shows up as the “I”, the “self". “I did this great thing!”, “I don’t like you anymore” or “I need to take care of myself”.  

At its best the ego protects us and gives us the confidence to keep moving forward. The ego keeps up alive, sometimes literally. On the negative side, the ego doesn’t really care about others. It’s job is to serve and protect. Anything that threatens the ego is subject to some kind of attack- passive or aggressive. 

Raised in a Christian home I was taught to think of others first. To be a servant. Thinking of yourself before others was, basically, sinful. Although aspects of that teaching still resonate with me post-Christianity I have also come to see the ego in a different light. My recent exploration of Buddhism has revealed a new way to consider the ego- as something that deserves respect if not domination. 

When I feel my “ego” rising up to make sure “Jeb” is getting the needed acknowledge my initial reaction is to feel a low level of disgust. Not dissimilar to the feeling you get after scratching poison ivy. The initial endorphin surge is replaced by the knowledge that the poison is only spreading. Same with the ego, it never seems to be satisfied, always wanting more. 

So what is one to do? It’s not like we can just get cut the ego out of our lives. It's there for a reason. Also, the Christian ideal of “dying to oneself” seems increasingly foreign to me as I further explore what it means to be a “self”. Now I am seeking the acceptance of the self- and all its dimensions. Instead of trying to kill off the ego, what if we got to know it better? See what it needs to be healthy? After all, the ego isn't really poison ivy, it's just feels like that sometimes. 

I've come to think of the ego as a tree. It needs to be fed- water, light, air, etc- but it also needs to be trimmed and pruned. A healthy ego is not weak nor on steroids. It has its place and its space. It leaves room for others. It plays a role but isn’t the only tree in the forest, if you will. Instead of trying to cut it down maybe we should care for it as a living thing that has its own needs?

But who is it, exactly, that can feed and trim the ego tree? Perhaps it's the universal “Self”. The Self that runs through all of existence, playing hide and seek between conflict and peace, light and dark, on and off. I don’t know. But I’m ok with that for now.  

How Much Should I Share?

Earlier this year I did a pretty narcissistic thing. I ordered one of those Facebook “books” that compiles all of your activity from a set period of time, I chose 2014, and then prints it as a book. Turns out I generated over 300 pages of content in 2014 just from my Facebook and Instagram activity. Yikes! Well, ok, a good chunk of the “content” was actually comments from my friends on different things I had posted. Hey friends, guess what, you’re published authors now! Congrats! 

It was pretty fascinating to look at my life/self/world through that window. Print has its place. There is a “realness” to physical objects that digital just can’t compete with — at least not quite yet. But it also made me a gag a little. “Does the world really need this much 'Jeb'?” I thought. My conclusion — probably not. 

Recently I took off the month of July — from work, email, calendars and, yes, Facebook and its ilk. I deleted all the apps on my phone and began to separate from the “grid”. At the end of this month I found myself more relaxed, calmer and happier. I started to lose that habit of checking my phone all the time — email, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, back to email, text, etc. My phone and all its tagalongs slowly became less and less a part of my being. It was awesome. I felt more alive.

When I returned to work I re-entered the world of email out of necessity but have kept social media at an arms length. I’m at something of a crossroads right now. What and how much should I share? Why am I sharing? Which conversations are best had in-person, which ones online?

I have struggled with how exactly to put my toe back in the social media waters. I don't want to come across as "judgey" or stingy to people in my life that I truly care about but I also don't want to accept an inferior experience as the experience. This is one of the problems with digital experiences. You don't have a lot to work with. Just imagine me here, right now, moving my hands around and leaning forward as you read this. Hard to do, right? Digital communication fundamental sucks. At least at this point. It strips out 90% (made up stat) of what is actually being communicated. Body language, energy, tone, pheromones, etc. Calling it "communication" is being generous. It's more like a black and white print of a Van Gogh. Nothing you would want to frame. 

Ever have that experience where you see a friend after a while and you start catching up but pretty soon you realize there isn’t much to catch up on? You have both been following each other online and already know the stories. For me, this has been a common experience over the last few years. It deflates the moment we are sharing. I love hearing a friend tell me a story. I love hearing it straight from them for the first time. It’s a core human thing — to sit with someone and tell stories. But we are all telling our stories to everyone, all the time. This isn't what sharing should be. It should be person to person, everyone fully present.

So for now, I’m being very selective about what I share. I have increasingly come to see online/digital/social sharing as diluting. Beauty, happiness, fun, sadness, pain. They are all basic human experiences. Sharing them doesn’t make them more real. In my experience sharing often makes things feel less real, turns moments into performances. Sharing is certainly part of being human, but a part does not make one whole.  If we rewire ourselves to have sharing as a default what will we be sacrificing in the process? Will our own voice grow more faint as the outside voices crowd in? 

Who knows where this will all go — the massive experiment we are engaged in, sharing our lives at a depth and rate like never before. There are good things about this – increased visibility and understanding into how people live – but there must be balance. We must honor our humanity above all else. 

The Stuff of Experiences

When I was in the auction and antique business we had a saying- “it’s all about the stuff”. And it was true. If you had great “stuff” people would show up in at a barn in the middle of nowhere to buy it. And this is still true in many ways. The best art, antiques, furniture, etc, still gets a premium price but the rest of it is increasingly just “stuff” and sells for whatever it sells for, there is less and less of a floor for antiques and collectibles. 

This is not an isolated trend. Objects are transitioning from destination to vessel. Older generations amassed collections of “mint in box” objects- dolls, pottery, etc. But more recent generations collect experiences- stories, photos, videos, etc. Before, a collector's quest was a complete collection of objects (Hummel figurines, for instance), now it is a complete set of experiences (a fully realized persona/story). 

This is not to say all physical objects have lost their relevance, it’s just that their role is changing. They are increasingly playing a supporting role to experiences. 

As we have begun to collect experiences the objects accumulate meaning by association. That experience, or story, ties itself to the physical object and deepens that object's meaning in our lives. It goes from being anonymous to personal. To gather this meaning the object must color and add to the experience in some way.

Consider our phones, those marvelous little things that follow with us wherever we go. A phone only has value as the device which enables and documents experiences. We understand that we can quickly backup and reload the data on another device. In many ways the data is more real to us than the device. The device itself has passing relevance. It adds very little color to our experiences. It's no surprise that very few people collect digital devices, mostly we recycle them. 

So where does this leave us? Value is shifting from stuff to experiences, from collecting items to collecting memories. The objects that remain in our lives will mostly fall into two categories- they will fill a very basic human need or they will be tied to an experience. Toilets or totems. “Stuff" that falls in-between risks obsolescence. So if you want to bring more objects into this world I suggest you find ways to tie them to compelling experiences.